Real Chance of Love, Episode 10: Dick suckin’ continued.

3 01 2009

The pre-finale party! This episode was thrilling. The conclusion to the dick-sucking debacle, a DOUBLE elimination, and Chance sees a squirrel. I’m going to experiment with my recap format, so bear with me.

I need to mention first that I was home with my family for the holidays while I watched this episode, and actually watched it with my dad. I’m pretty sure I’m an embarrassment to my family now. Does my dad know what “MILF” means? I don’t want to know.

Milf: OUT
Milf and Risky burst into Real and Chance’s room to scream about how someone sucked someone’s dick. Or maybe no one sucked any dicks at all! Real and Milf are hugging by the end of it, so maybe she’s safe. Nope.

milfout

I’m crying too, Milf. I mean, Ahmo!

Chance’s Meet-the-Parents date
This was so awesome. Chance, his parents and his ladies ride up a mountain or something and Chance is shitting his pants the whole time because he’s scared of heights. Then at dinner, he is distracted by a squirrel. Oh, Chance.

The DRAMA
Rabbit tells Mom that Risky’s brother is in prison right now. OH NO YOU DIDN’T. To be fair, Mom did ask what Risky’s family is like. This is great for Bay Bay Bay, as now she has something to scream about now that Milf is gone. Risky is also pissed, but certainly more dignified about it. Rabbit’s brief past with Real is also brought up, while she continues to claim that she was an unwilling participant in the kiss they shared. Girl, you know that was on video.

Rabbit’s OUT!
Aw. After some deliberation with the parents, mom deciding that Risky might be too “ghetto” and Rabbit reiterating constantly that she is a very classy lady, Rabbit is ultimately sent home. Poor girl, but we all saw this coming. Cali and Risky are right up Chance’s alley.

THE FINAL FOUR
Man, I sure wish Bay Bay Bay had gone home instead of Milf. The finale will take place in PUERTO RICO!

final4

If things go as I wish, Risky and Corn Fed will win their respective men! I mean, Cali’s cool too. Honestly, I just want to see Bay Bay Bay get dumped.

The Real Chance of Love finale will be on Monday, January 12 at 9 p.m. Good luck, ladies.

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Real Chance of Love, Episode 9: Who sucked who’s dick?

19 12 2008

Both Real and Chance have three girls left for each of them, and it’s time to meet the parents! These episodes are awesome because they get to introduce their parents to girls named “Milf” and “Corn Fed”. Hah!

Real’s girls are first to meet mom and dad and they each do some folksy ranch shit, like lassoing bulls and shooting things. Milf and Corn Fed have pretty normal dates, but Bay Bay Bay spends the entire time bitching incessantly about how Milf is a skanky whore or something. It’s getting old already.

Meanwhile, Chance is with his girls at a tattoo parlor. Cali and Risky dive in headfirst: Cali gets a fanciful “K” on her neck (it stands for Chance’s real name, Kamal) and Risky gets the word “Stallionette” on her shoulder. Rabbit is, understandably, a pussy and gets a Chinese character tattooed on her foot. She tells Chance it’s his name, but it really means “love”. Clever girl.

The girls all go back to their hotel suite. Real’s girls prepare for dinner with the parents that night, and Chance’s girls talk about their tattoos. Bay Bay Bay talks about her plan for dinner: Be a loud, insufferable bitch. I have to give her credit for sticking to what she’s good at.

Dinner: Corn Fed talks about how it’s not about race, because it’s not. Milf talks about her spiritual connection with Real. And Bay Bay Bay’s plans of being incredibly fucking irritating come to fruition, of course. She rants and raves about how Milf is a lying slut. Real confronts Milf about her softcore porn past, and she handles it pretty well, talking about how she needed to care for her son. Bay Bay Bay will just not let anything go and screams over everybody about how Milf is a whore, continuing for the rest of dinner. I don’t even like Milf that much, but I’m beginning to, if only out of spite.

The girls go back to their hotel room. Bay Bay Bay will not drop it, even breaking out the bible to read about how Milf is the devil. Does the bible really say that? I guess if anyone knows, it’s Bay Bay Bay. Milf is clearly cracking at the seams, and she decides to reveal some TRUTHS. The previews have me believe that Milf is about to accuse Bay Bay Bay of having sucked Chance’s dick. I am thrilled.

Wait.

Risky? Risky sucked Chance’s dick? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! But Risky is pissed. “I ain’t neva sucked a dick in my whole life!” she says. A likely story. Risky is fucking pissed. The world pretty much explodes right here.

riskypissed

TO BE CONTINUED!

Next week: the [hopefully] exciting conclusion to this disaster, Chance’s dates meet Mom and Dad, and perhaps an elimination!





Real Chance of Love, Episode 8: Of COURSE it was a setup.

10 12 2008

Real and Chance fighting a dude in a club? Staged. Don’t get my hopes up like that!

Bay Bay Bay and Risky win the challenge by not admitting anything to the police while being interrogated. Right on, girls. Also, Risky finally does something of notice. She handled that like a damn pro. KO totally ruins Bay Bay Bay’s ensuing Real-time by throwing a hissyfit and threatening to leave the house. In case you were wondering, she still sounds like an elephant when she gets upset. Real talks her down and she eventually decides to stay. How can you say no to that mane?

realsbeautifulhair

Seriously, his hair is amazing.

Bay Bay Bay and Risky go on their dates, at the store of that same t-shirt guy the Charm School girls designed for this week. I will not look up his name.

Some stuff happens. Chance eliminates nobody! Good thing, too — he’s almost out of girls. Corn Fed gets Real’s first chain, followed by Milf and Bay Bay Bay. KO is eliminated because of the previous day’s freakout, and because she sounds like a rhino when she’s crying and talking.

Nah, he didn’t say that last part.

ko

I kinda liked her. Oh well.

Next week: Meeting the Stallionaires’ parents! This is always the best part of these shows. These people have parents? I forget they’re real sometimes.





Rock of Love Charm School, Episode 9: Exercise in Futility

8 12 2008

This episode was boring and shitty. I watched it three times and still don’t remember large chunks of it, because it was too boring to pay attention. Why did I watch it three times? Probably because I hate myself.

Charm School only has four girls left: Heather, Destiney, Brandi M. and Lacey. They meet with some lady where they talk about some crap, “branding themselves”, I don’t really know. Anyway, they are asked to rate their satisfaction about parts of their lives in terms of categories like “family”, “sex”, etc. This is where all the shit hits the fan and the dumbest, most unnecessary argument EVER begins.

Heather accuses Destiney and Brandi M. of lying about their dissatisfaction with her sex lives after they both rate their sex lives a 1/10, citing evidence like “Destiney hooked up with the Entertainer!!!!” But if I had sex with the Entertainer, I would be unsatisfied too. What’s the issue here?

This dumbass argument continues on for way too long, Destiney cries a lot and I have to watch Heather yelling back at her while pissing on the toilet, on camera. Really? Heather starts calling people out on anything she can think of, saying some stuff about how Brandi M. lied about being allergic to Megan’s dog, Lily. It is completely irrelevant and nobody cares. This is just like that time she was being attacked at the elimination ceremony and responded with “waaaa but, she spit, waaaaaaa” in a successful attempt to divert everyone’s attention to Brandi C. That only worked once, Heather.

The girls arrive at their challenge, where they have to design a shirt that represents them. Heather takes the challenge a little too literally and puts a large picture of her own face on her shirt, crashing the computer. These jokes write themselves!!!

The girls confront Heather some more in between designing the shirts and presenting them to the judges. I’m not really paying attention anymore.

Brandi M. presents her design at judging, it prominently features an octopus because an octopus will regrow its limbs when they are cut off… and at Charm School she is “regrowing her limbs”. Good one. Heather suggests that there should actually be a new shirt with a different picture of her face on it every month, because one just isn’t enough.

The term “octopussy” is used during the judges commentary, and everyone giggles about it. Hehehe! Pussy! Destiney wins the challenge. I am pleased with this result.

I pretty much blacked out between here and the elimination ceremony, but it’s mostly the girls going to Sharon and talking in circles about the retarded argument that’s been going on between Heather and the rest of the girls for the past two days.

At the elimination ceremony, Heather explains her irrational behavior by saying that she hasn’t been smoking pot, and now she has to deal with her emotions! Okay. She is eliminated, to nobody’s surprise.

Heather, go smoke some weed. For everyone's sake!

Heather, go smoke some weed. For everyone's sake!

Next episode: A fucking recap show. Fuck.





Real Chance of Love, Episode 7: Motherhood

7 12 2008

The girls had to prove their abilities as a mother this week by performing in a talent show with some kid. Of note: This episode was sponsored by Plan B, the emergency contraceptive better known as the “morning-after pill”. Dude. DUDE.

A bunch of kids are rounded up from somewhere and assigned to each girl at random. My boyfriend asks, “Who would let their kid do this?” I reply that I would volunteer my kid without hesitation. I guess he won’t be impregnating me anytime soon.

Bay Bay Bay’s kid is awesome and unleashes every curse word he knows as soon as he gets a chance. Meanwhile, Bay Bay Bay still sucks. Their eventual “talent” for the show is armpit farts, performed to the tune of the ABCs. Cornfed and Bubbles win the challenge by being adorable with their children. After the shows, Bay Bay Bay has a discussion with K.O. and informs her that, as a mother, she will let her kid do any farts he likes.

Milf goes to Real and cries about her son in some effort to garner sympathy, or maybe to compensate for losing the motherhood challenge. Either way, it’s not working.

Cornfed and Bubbles go on their date with Real and Chance, a typical dinner and mandolin affair.  I should note that Cornfed correctly identified the mandolinist as such, which probably puts her leaps and bounds ahead of the other girls (and perhaps myself) in intelligence. Her and Real spend much of the date making out, while Bubbles and Chance make everything awkward just yards away from them. Bubbles is crying about how she might not be ready for a relationship with Chance because she’s not over her last boyfriend or something, and this is incredibly distressing to me because it makes her seem human. I liked her better when she was an adorable moron. Please stop having real emotions, Bubbles. Shit.

The girls return from their date and Cornfed gushes about how great it was to the other girls. Bay Bay Bay continues her irrational jealousy because she is an androgynous muppet stick figure and Real doesn’t find her sexy.

Milf puts on an ill-fitting red leather outfit in a desperate last ditch effort to not get eliminated. By the way, who the fuck is Risky?

Elimination: Chance and Real choose Cali and Cornfed as their first picks. Chance’s last chain goes to Rabbit, and he eliminates Bubbles. It is a sad day. Real’s choice comes down to Milf and Bay Bay Bay. It is at this point that I realize Milf is still wearing her hideous red leather outfit. She gets a chain, maybe because Real is easily impressed. He calls Bay Bay Bay down, and in a SURPRISE TWIST offers her a “invisible chain” that doesn’t really exist. She accepts, of course. What the fuck else is she gonna do?

Probably the best part of this show is the awesome preview for next week, in which Real and Chance beat the shit out of a guy in a jealous rage, then get arrested.

Bubbles

Bubbles, I miss you already 😦