Shawn shits his pants, Brittaney Starr eliminated, Real Chance special!

I am totally inept at keeping up with this website in a timely fashion, but I just have to say that Tool Academy‘s Shawn brought one of the most hilarious twists ever to this show. Ahahaha. The guy who wears that dumb cowboy hat got eliminated, I don’t remember his name but whatever.

Brittaney Starr was eliminated from Rock of Love Bus, and that’s okay. I still don’t know why they called her Jasmineva pre-show.

And in really good news, there will be a Real Chance of Love Behind the Scenes special on Vh1 this Wednesday, January 21 at 9 p.m. This is awesome because it probably means this show did well enough ratings-wise to have more Real and Chance shows in the future. I want a My Fair Brady-style show featuring Real and Corn Fed. Also Chance needs to find love too, damn it. Do you hear me Vh1?!?!

REAL CHANCE OF LOVE FINALE: MY HEAD EXPLODES WITH JOY AND CONFUSION AND ANGER

CHANCE! OH MY GOD, CHANCE.

Chance picks nobody. I am so sad. More importantly, Cali and Risky are sad. My heart is breaking. Chance is crying. Chance’s tears are like leprechaun tears, rare and heartbreaking. Actually, I don’t know anything about leprechaun tears. Do leprechauns even cry? The only way this could get worse is if Real picks Bay Bay Bay.

BUT, OH! THE STORMCLOUDS PART AND THE SUN BREAKS THROUGH! REAL CHOOSES CORN FED.

I CANNOT CONTAIN MY GLEE.

Corn Fed <3 Real 4ever

The Real Chance of Love reunion show is on January 26th. If Corn Fed and Real are not still in love I’m going to kill somebody.

This will be the Vh1 romance that lasts, damn it.

Rock of Love Bus and Tool Academy discussion to come!

Real Chance of Love, Episode 10: Dick suckin’ continued.

The pre-finale party! This episode was thrilling. The conclusion to the dick-sucking debacle, a DOUBLE elimination, and Chance sees a squirrel. I’m going to experiment with my recap format, so bear with me.

I need to mention first that I was home with my family for the holidays while I watched this episode, and actually watched it with my dad. I’m pretty sure I’m an embarrassment to my family now. Does my dad know what “MILF” means? I don’t want to know.

Milf: OUT
Milf and Risky burst into Real and Chance’s room to scream about how someone sucked someone’s dick. Or maybe no one sucked any dicks at all! Real and Milf are hugging by the end of it, so maybe she’s safe. Nope.

I’m crying too, Milf. I mean, Ahmo!

Chance’s Meet-the-Parents date
This was so awesome. Chance, his parents and his ladies ride up a mountain or something and Chance is shitting his pants the whole time because he’s scared of heights. Then at dinner, he is distracted by a squirrel. Oh, Chance.

The DRAMA
Rabbit tells Mom that Risky’s brother is in prison right now. OH NO YOU DIDN’T. To be fair, Mom did ask what Risky’s family is like. This is great for Bay Bay Bay, as now she has something to scream about now that Milf is gone. Risky is also pissed, but certainly more dignified about it. Rabbit’s brief past with Real is also brought up, while she continues to claim that she was an unwilling participant in the kiss they shared. Girl, you know that was on video.

Rabbit’s OUT!
Aw. After some deliberation with the parents, mom deciding that Risky might be too “ghetto” and Rabbit reiterating constantly that she is a very classy lady, Rabbit is ultimately sent home. Poor girl, but we all saw this coming. Cali and Risky are right up Chance’s alley.

THE FINAL FOUR
Man, I sure wish Bay Bay Bay had gone home instead of Milf. The finale will take place in PUERTO RICO!

If things go as I wish, Risky and Corn Fed will win their respective men! I mean, Cali’s cool too. Honestly, I just want to see Bay Bay Bay get dumped.

The Real Chance of Love finale will be on Monday, January 12 at 9 p.m. Good luck, ladies.

Real Chance of Love, Episode 9: Who sucked who’s dick?

Both Real and Chance have three girls left for each of them, and it’s time to meet the parents! These episodes are awesome because they get to introduce their parents to girls named “Milf” and “Corn Fed”. Hah!

Real’s girls are first to meet mom and dad and they each do some folksy ranch shit, like lassoing bulls and shooting things. Milf and Corn Fed have pretty normal dates, but Bay Bay Bay spends the entire time bitching incessantly about how Milf is a skanky whore or something. It’s getting old already.

Meanwhile, Chance is with his girls at a tattoo parlor. Cali and Risky dive in headfirst: Cali gets a fanciful “K” on her neck (it stands for Chance’s real name, Kamal) and Risky gets the word “Stallionette” on her shoulder. Rabbit is, understandably, a pussy and gets a Chinese character tattooed on her foot. She tells Chance it’s his name, but it really means “love”. Clever girl.

The girls all go back to their hotel suite. Real’s girls prepare for dinner with the parents that night, and Chance’s girls talk about their tattoos. Bay Bay Bay talks about her plan for dinner: Be a loud, insufferable bitch. I have to give her credit for sticking to what she’s good at.

Dinner: Corn Fed talks about how it’s not about race, because it’s not. Milf talks about her spiritual connection with Real. And Bay Bay Bay’s plans of being incredibly fucking irritating come to fruition, of course. She rants and raves about how Milf is a lying slut. Real confronts Milf about her softcore porn past, and she handles it pretty well, talking about how she needed to care for her son. Bay Bay Bay will just not let anything go and screams over everybody about how Milf is a whore, continuing for the rest of dinner. I don’t even like Milf that much, but I’m beginning to, if only out of spite.

The girls go back to their hotel room. Bay Bay Bay will not drop it, even breaking out the bible to read about how Milf is the devil. Does the bible really say that? I guess if anyone knows, it’s Bay Bay Bay. Milf is clearly cracking at the seams, and she decides to reveal some TRUTHS. The previews have me believe that Milf is about to accuse Bay Bay Bay of having sucked Chance’s dick. I am thrilled.

Wait.

Risky? Risky sucked Chance’s dick? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! But Risky is pissed. “I ain’t neva sucked a dick in my whole life!” she says. A likely story. Risky is fucking pissed. The world pretty much explodes right here.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Next week: the [hopefully] exciting conclusion to this disaster, Chance’s dates meet Mom and Dad, and perhaps an elimination!

I Love Money 2, new premiere date

Vh1 has corrected their previously reported erroneous premiere date (January 26) for I Love Money 2.

The show will actually premiere on Monday, February 2, 2009.

Look how happy they are!

Also, I juuuust got around to seeing the latest Real Chance of Love (wow) and I’ll have a recap up in a couple days. Hint: Bay Bay Bay did not suck Chance’s dick. I am terribly disappointed.

Real Chance of Love, Episode 8: Of COURSE it was a setup.

Real and Chance fighting a dude in a club? Staged. Don’t get my hopes up like that!

Bay Bay Bay and Risky win the challenge by not admitting anything to the police while being interrogated. Right on, girls. Also, Risky finally does something of notice. She handled that like a damn pro. KO totally ruins Bay Bay Bay’s ensuing Real-time by throwing a hissyfit and threatening to leave the house. In case you were wondering, she still sounds like an elephant when she gets upset. Real talks her down and she eventually decides to stay. How can you say no to that mane?

Seriously, his hair is amazing.

Bay Bay Bay and Risky go on their dates, at the store of that same t-shirt guy the Charm School girls designed for this week. I will not look up his name.

Some stuff happens. Chance eliminates nobody! Good thing, too — he’s almost out of girls. Corn Fed gets Real’s first chain, followed by Milf and Bay Bay Bay. KO is eliminated because of the previous day’s freakout, and because she sounds like a rhino when she’s crying and talking.

Nah, he didn’t say that last part.

I kinda liked her. Oh well.

Next week: Meeting the Stallionaires’ parents! This is always the best part of these shows. These people have parents? I forget they’re real sometimes.

Real Chance of Love, Episode 7: Motherhood

The girls had to prove their abilities as a mother this week by performing in a talent show with some kid. Of note: This episode was sponsored by Plan B, the emergency contraceptive better known as the “morning-after pill”. Dude. DUDE.

A bunch of kids are rounded up from somewhere and assigned to each girl at random. My boyfriend asks, “Who would let their kid do this?” I reply that I would volunteer my kid without hesitation. I guess he won’t be impregnating me anytime soon.

Bay Bay Bay’s kid is awesome and unleashes every curse word he knows as soon as he gets a chance. Meanwhile, Bay Bay Bay still sucks. Their eventual “talent” for the show is armpit farts, performed to the tune of the ABCs. Cornfed and Bubbles win the challenge by being adorable with their children. After the shows, Bay Bay Bay has a discussion with K.O. and informs her that, as a mother, she will let her kid do any farts he likes.

Milf goes to Real and cries about her son in some effort to garner sympathy, or maybe to compensate for losing the motherhood challenge. Either way, it’s not working.

Cornfed and Bubbles go on their date with Real and Chance, a typical dinner and mandolin affair.  I should note that Cornfed correctly identified the mandolinist as such, which probably puts her leaps and bounds ahead of the other girls (and perhaps myself) in intelligence. Her and Real spend much of the date making out, while Bubbles and Chance make everything awkward just yards away from them. Bubbles is crying about how she might not be ready for a relationship with Chance because she’s not over her last boyfriend or something, and this is incredibly distressing to me because it makes her seem human. I liked her better when she was an adorable moron. Please stop having real emotions, Bubbles. Shit.

The girls return from their date and Cornfed gushes about how great it was to the other girls. Bay Bay Bay continues her irrational jealousy because she is an androgynous muppet stick figure and Real doesn’t find her sexy.

Milf puts on an ill-fitting red leather outfit in a desperate last ditch effort to not get eliminated. By the way, who the fuck is Risky?

Elimination: Chance and Real choose Cali and Cornfed as their first picks. Chance’s last chain goes to Rabbit, and he eliminates Bubbles. It is a sad day. Real’s choice comes down to Milf and Bay Bay Bay. It is at this point that I realize Milf is still wearing her hideous red leather outfit. She gets a chain, maybe because Real is easily impressed. He calls Bay Bay Bay down, and in a SURPRISE TWIST offers her a “invisible chain” that doesn’t really exist. She accepts, of course. What the fuck else is she gonna do?

Probably the best part of this show is the awesome preview for next week, in which Real and Chance beat the shit out of a guy in a jealous rage, then get arrested.

Bubbles, I miss you already